Had a long rest, back to blogging

Leaving my blog for 4 months.
Because a lot has happened lately.

At last, I've made up my mind to tell her.
Even though I know what my endings would be.
I've promised her to be good.
She promised me to be happy.
We promised each other to let fate decides.

But what we really knew is,
We are never meant to be together.

Maybe it is because of my decision to stay with you
Until the very last.

And finally, this has already been the last month
I promised myself,
to be happy,
let her be happy.
Even though i can't keep the smile
But at least when we leave,
we might still be smiling.

Love is a desert without boundary
And i'm just one of the people who trapped inside.
There is a kind of love,
When we are neither able to pick up nor put down.
We let ourself to be sad
But in the end, we noticed that the one being sad is only ourself
We let ourself to hate,
But in the end, we noticed that the one we hate is ourself.

I don't know what i can't put down to be exact.
If you asked me what makes me so into her
I might have said, I just like her. There is no reason.
But in the end, we noticed,
We have all the reason in the world to give up.
Because you are in love with her.

Like what my friend has told me.
Flip a coin when you feel you can't decide.
It's not that the heads or tails that decide it for you
It's that when you flip the coin, the answer you wanted is already decided.

I did.
I can't let go.
Why not let love stops at the most beautiful moment?

Chance?
Future?
Let's not get so far my friend.
If I can't even decide my present,
How am I dare to face the future?
In the end, I'd even forget about the past.

She called me,
telling me how much she understands my feeling.
She wanted to apologize to me
But what I wanted to hear is not "Sorry"
Its far more than that.
Something that you couldn't give.

Sometimes, I wanted to tell her.
What did you know? You know nothing!

I'm afraid to write when its dark
Because what i wrote will be much the negative part of me.
I will be writing my feelings of anger, hate, and despair.
Deep in my veins I know.

In your life,
I'm just the one who passed by your life.
We might still be friends but never more than that.

Now maybe you might feel that I'm something more.
But after this, you will feel that I'm just a "friend"

I hate myself for loving you.
Because I started to fake my smiles in front of you.
Do you understand me?
I don't think so.